Better to light a candle
by geoclaire
Summary: Post S2, Sarah takes care of an ill Cosima. Things get complicated. First part of "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness".


Cosima's skin was damp and cool to the touch, and Sarah stroked her back slowly through her shirt. Her fever seemed to have broken, but Sarah knew by now that that didn't mean much. Cos's temperature was always highest in the mornings, when she'd toss and mumble through nightmares, before dropping late in the afternoon or evening, when she was most commonly lucid.

She was sleeping now, though, and for once she seemed untroubled. Sarah had seen her fumble through enough fever dreams in recent weeks to treasure this, and she took the opportunity to sit and take Cosima in.

She was too thin now, she'd slid quickly from the most buxom to the most skeletal of the clones, surpassing even Helena's feral stringyness. Sarah found herself missing that softness; it had always seemed to embody the difference between Cosima and the rest of them. Now she could feel Cosima's hips and spine even through the layers of her soft sleeping shirt and hoody. She stroked them, too, mindful of the ever present full body ache Cosima had complained of.

Cos stirred, and Sarah stopped stroking, waiting to see if she'd wake up. It took a moment, then Cosima scrunched her eyes, turning her face into the pillow, before blearily looking up at Sarah. She started stroking again, ignoring that Cos had woken up with her hand dangerously close to being on Cosima's butt. She probably wasn't awake enough to notice.

"Hey," she said after a moment, blinking like her eyelashes were stuck together. She hadn't taken off her eyeliner, maybe they were.

Sarah smiled. "Hey. How are you feeling?"

Cos rolled onto her back, trapping Sarah's hand momentarily under her hip. She retrieved it, settling it onto Cos's thigh instead. "Better, I guess," she rolled her head from side to side and winced, "I think I'm gonna need a better pillow if I'm going to spend this much time in bed."

"We can do that," Sarah promised, ignoring that she had no idea where'd she'd get the money for it. They'd work something out. "I bet we could convince Alison to break out her kines-whatever training for you."

Cos smiled a weak version of her usual beam. "Yeah, maybe." She picked at the sleeve of her hoody, seeming to register its dampness for the first time. "Probably after a shower, though."

"We can do that. You want to go now?"

Cos closed her eyes, then nodded. Sarah gave her some time, then put her hands around her waist when Cosima started pushing herself up. She knew to pause once Cos was sitting up, to regain her blood pressure, as she'd been far too inclined to lightheadedness lately.

From there, she had to get Cosima into the bathroom, then sit her down long enough to run a bath. Cos complained laughingly about sitting in a pool of her own filth, and Sarah compromised by keeping the bath shallow, with enough water to keep Cos warm, but low enough that she could use the shower hose to run fresh water over her.

They got her undressed reasonably quickly. It was easier since she'd stopped wearing bras, although her underwear continued to be surprisingly risque. Cos had shrugged it off when Sarah'd mentioned it in passing once, said only she hadn't planned on being sick when she'd arrived in Canada. Sarah didn't raise it again.

Finally, they settled Cosima into the tub, where she immediately brought her knees up, curling her face into them. Sarah gave her a moment to adjust before turning the shower head on and running the water up her back, to her shoulders.

"Warm enough?"

Cos kept her face in her knees. "Yeah," she flexed her shoulders, and Sarah bit her lip, "Maybe a little hotter? I think it's helping my neck."

She leaned past Cos to turn the temperature up, and managed to splash herself with the shower head. "Shite."

Cos looked up at the curse, narrowly avoiding clipping Sarah's nose with her forehead. She smirked at seeing the water on Sarah's shirt. Sarah took the opportunity to pull away, turning the spray back onto Cosima's shoulders.

It didn't take long before she could see the hot water helping Cosima's muscles to relax. Her shoulders dropped, and Cos let her head roll back, her knees starting to drop down so she was less huddled. Sarah averted her eyes from her chest. "Do you want to wash your hair?"

"Yeah," Cosima scooted her butt forward in the tub, giving Sarah more room to lean in behind and start to wet her hair. Cos hummed under her breath, tilting her head to the spray, and Sarah could see droplets catching on her eyelids. She handed Cosima her shampoo, and Cos started working it into her hair. It was obvious that she was tiring, her hands moving slower as they moved to the ends of her dreadlocks.

Sarah pretended not to notice. "Good to rinse?" she asked, well before she thought Cosima had actually finished. Cos nodded slowly, her energy clearly winding down.

She rinsed Cosima's hair briskly, careful to ensure each lock was rinsed but trying to be quick with it. She let Cosima wash her face quickly before she turned the taps off, letting Cos sit in the standing water while she tried to find her some clean towels.

Cos had to stand slowly so she wouldn't get dizzy, and Sarah had a towel wrapped around her before she coaxed her out of the tub. The other went under her hair, trying to prevent the wet locks from making her cold. She used the loose end of the towel to dry Cosima's face, Cos too tired now to offer up much resistance.

"I used to do this for Kira," she murmured, moving behind Cos now to start to towel dry her dreads. "Was easier with her, though, she's a lot shorter."

"Maybe we should get a stool for in here," Cosima's eyes were closed now. "I can't imagine this is going to get easier any time soon."

Sarah's towelling slowed to a stop. She started again, rougher. "It's going to get easier."

"Okay."

When she couldn't get Cosima's hair any drier, she hung that towel up and guided Cosima back to her bed. She hadn't changed the sheets, but she turned the pillow over to a fresh side before digging though Cosima's minimal wardrobe for a clean tank top and harem pants. Cos wriggled herself into a mildly less scandalous pair of her underwear before letting Sarah pull the shirt over her head. The pants she declined.

Her eyes were barely open, but "Would you stay?" She asked, and Sarah nodded, followed her into the bed so Cosima could lay her head on her shoulder, cuddle up against her. Maybe she pretended Sarah was Delphine and found comfort in it, but it didn't matter. Sarah put her arm around her and stroked her back again.

"You were doing that when I woke up," Cosima mumbled.

Sarah was silent. "Yes."

"Why?"

Sarah looked down at her head on her chest, the length of Cosima's body against hers in the bed, the high point of her hip under the sheets. She leaned down and kissed the highest point of Cosima's collarbone, where her shoulder met her neck, and didn't answer in words.

* * *

This work is part of a series. Part two is now available. If you leave feedback, I'll probably post the third part sooner.

Thanks for reading, please let me know what you did or didn't like.


End file.
